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DUSK BUSES

by Izzie Drizzle

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1.
AWAKE 01:50
lyrics
From the shores of my cortex to the city of my skeleton, A panic so thick bubbled up and is festering So thick you couldn't cut it with a knife So thick fuckin' stuttering in life Covering my eyes my only method of disguise Stressin' my demise so I'm trekkin to the skies Setting up a time I can jettison my cries Pressure on my mind, so much pressure on my mind Hard to misinterpret, hard to misidentify Hard to miss the missile when it's aiming right between your eyes I'm a freak, I'm a faggot, I'm a loner Feast like a maggot, interplanetary roamer Crack me open secret feelings come spilling out Fill a whole album to convince myself I'm killing doubt Take the filling out I'm nothing but a skin shell Peeking round the corner hearing Death tolling the twin bells And it ain't nothin that I haven't seen or heard before Feigning happiness like I've never been hurt before Starving for your touch I'm hardly missing much When your fingers felt like icicles harvesting blood Melt away the loneliness with drum breaks and sample loops Fooled myself twice into thinking I could handle you Speaking from the sun eclipsed, sunken in sorrow The only reason I exist, drunken Apollo Shrunken and hollow, feel like I'm gonna float away Six steps backward from the universe I go astray Dusk Buses taking me to space but not today
2.
PASSION 01:57
lyrics
This is not a hobby it’s a passion Or just a way to stop me acting up Emotional baggage needed packing up And therapy is too expensive on my current pay so i need to start crafting up Hacking up lungs like a black market vendor Cashing lump sums from the last harvest embers Everything is going up except wages They think some mouldy bread and blackouts are gonna save us Stab myself in the guts with a butcher knife And still manage to perform the verse and hooks of life I am Alexandre’s Fallen Angel eyes burning with betrayal A chewed and spat out deity yearning for portrayal If I could go back in time I’d be Cabanel’s model Our tears burn the same livid anger like a throttle These memories I coddle like bastards from a rotten womb Will follow me to the end, crash in my begotten tomb This is not a hobby it’s a passion Or just a way to stop me thrashing through the throes of time Big sleep, dreaming about gnashing at the roses vine Love turned toxic Sex turned rape And abusers grabbing at my chest scare me half awake Real life feels more like a nightmare Ghosts with their twisted smiles never like to fight fair Space is my home, but I can’t afford a flight there This is not a hobby, it’s a means of escape For when life gets too much I descend to my brain This is not a hobby it’s a passion This is not a hobby it’s a passion
3.
CRASH 02:06
lyrics
November 13th on my way to view a house It's a Sunday morning, traffic's dead, I'm pulling out Put my playlist on shuffle start driving through the meadows Dilla, tomppa, vaporwave, lots of instrumentals Then Molecules by Aes played it got me in a headspace Tried to rap along but I barely knew the words Got a couple bars through the third verse Couldn't tell for sure but I think my left wheel clipped the curb Driving on a route I'd done a couple dozen times Didn't think I'd suffocate and almost lose my stomach line But on the way I saw a magpie on its own, soaring Didn't ask how his wife was or wish him good morning Even as I drove past, got a pit in my stomach Knew something bad was coming but not this sudden Anyway, my steering went full right lock 2 seconds later all I saw was white fog Glasses hit the dashboard Motor trauma, this my first crash course Thank god the road was empty in the other lane No cyclists or hikers coming down the other way I just got my MOT done the other day They might've missed something, who am I to say? Off duty cop stopped to see if I was okay I called my parents up, ensuring them that I was okay I crashed into a tree, breathalyser took a throatful I bashed my knees and face hard and Betsy got totalled If you're on the way to York, you can find her there too Ice pack on my face, watching Spider-Man 2
4.
TUNGSTEN 02:38
lyrics
(chorus) Head heavier than tungsten, I can barely function Head heavier than tungsten, I can barely function (verse 1) Chelsea grin myself and shut my doors Think that distance helps to cusp the wars There’s nothing in my head but smoke from out the lying teeth Of government that begs the vote, smiling through lion teeth Not a single modicum of guilt no remorse Conversion therapy but sodomy betwixt four walls Closed door policies, cross-fingered handshake Grows more poverty, frost bitten fam breaks Demand change, they change the definition of riots Wrap your visage in visors, if they getcha, keep quiet Police are not your friends, politicians, not your friends Only want what’s best for them, we’re a means to an ends Seas running red, let them in, let them in Life’s not a debate, never win, never win Laughing with their millions, menacing, menacing (chorus) Head heavier than tungsten, I can barely function Head heavier than tungsten, I can barely function (verse 2) Flies nest, rat nest, danger under cobbled roads Country is a crass mess, drink it up and hobble home Stay awake past 3am, walk into the trouble zone Muddled dome, cannibalise the wicked rich Chewing through the fat, sipping blood upon the cricket pitch Umpire calls a foul when the wicket’s hit With liver slick, slipping out of miscreant Benefactors, bank managers Politicians and debt handlers Charts and graphs show the net damages That afford the cunts the platinum lined snake leather fashion it’s Repulsive - millions of people scraping at their bank balances Meanwhile they decorate with gold plated mannequins The world is on fire, light cigars while laughing and Sit back in their jets like nothing else happening (chorus) Head heavier than tungsten, I can barely function Head heavier than tungsten, I can barely function
5.
KOVACS 02:17
lyrics
Death is just a prequel to what your brain can comprehend Every choice you make has an open end Broke but spend on affirmations that just melt away Paint my face to match aesthetics smear it off at end of day There's spiders in my skull walls, centipedes in my spinal column Butterflies in my stomach, centrepiece of my final problem I fall in love like a Disney Girl circa ‘57 But always feel displaced, either Earth or dirty heaven Agitated trans and hated plan debated Banned and vagrant glad you made it Decapitated magistrate official Guillotine and eat the rich tissue They don’t speak for us it’s not an issue If I die, if my visage killed final Promise that you’ll leak my shit like liquid filled vinyl I never die though Immortality complex and hypochondria Parasite Eve rip apart my mitochondria (Sample: He was the executor of the dead widow’s estate) The dread figures a way It creeps up my spine like the Tingler It shoots through my arms to my fingers Seeping through my grasp that’s how the dream go Leave you with a face melt like Al.Divino Asesino asesino politicians in the crosshairs Heat from out the bullet wound warming up the frost air This is not a promise or a threat I’m just sick of Tory leaders all condemning us to death I’m defending my own breath On this island that we die on Make the people choose keeping food in or the lights on Rent due on the 14th Every day the world bites down on me with more teeth
6.
DCLXVI 02:07
lyrics
All my boogeymen are people who have left me in the ground to rot Every single one, I’m still waiting for the count to stop Try to tough it out but I can’t help but frown and sob I’m weakened every weekend that I spend inside to drown and crop Photographs and diet down to me and bare essentials Dysmorphic bitter snake consuming sentimentals Sick of seeing these sad eyes in the mirror Deep brown, dark pools, bad times never glimmer Does she know that I’m dead? I’m having difficulty finding safety in my own head Spin out of control like a signpost at the zone end I’m a drunken scribble on a napkin In the drizzle never laughing Wriggling and thrashing Out the silicone I’m cast in Stomach concave, eyes sunk, buried under hills Never let the light hit me like I’m Chuck McGill Death is just chicanery Every doctor that I’ve seen confidently failing me I died six years ago, ain’t felt alive since I am undead skin to be mesmerised with I’m deaf til I sing The hole in my chest festering still Isolation is the best mess for the fill Sequestering unravelling inside a thousand bones Uncanny valley leaking stalking through my house and home Both of my eyeballs glazed with tempered glass “What did i die for” brazed upon my epitaph Step and dance across the palisades of life and death Happiness for me is just a fallacy that never ends My limbs are never quick enough to parry an attack So I live with a tombstone that I carry on my back Wearing dirt like it’s 1346 Accessorise with necklaces of dirty forks and sticks Coffin wooden walls velvet lining is my mainstay Six feet underground in my grave is my safe space
7.
MOTHBALLS 03:35
lyrics
(verse) I’ve felt the mothballs beneath my feet for years Comforting in darkness never had to face my deepest fears As time went on my eyes'd feel the seeping tears And the caress upon the cheek of terror's grace Don't recognize the eyes in the mirror's face Try to organise my thoughts but they always just collapse Wallow in the filth, waiting for the dust to pass I wanna scream, but I don't have the vocal skill All these mis-intrepid things are nothing that a rope'd kill Open bill, go on tag your problems onto mine I'll work through yours cuz somehow I can always find the time I can sit and give advice like my hand is in a vice But when it comes to me and me alone, stuck inside the freezing cold To work through something eating whole Or something i don't even know I need the mothballs beneath my feet again I'm back before three on a count from 1 to 10 (chorus) Fumbling dumb thing , Cut off my thumbprints Crumbling skull thinks We need to jump ship Fumbling dumb thing , Cut off my thumbprints Crumbling skull thinks We need to jump ship (verse) I’ve felt the mothballs beneath my feet for years Paralyzed and I feel so fucking weak in here Transitioning from sane to fucking wacko I wanna fly away, I won't know my way back though Where'd my mask go? Where'd the cracks go? I can smell the pesticide, feel it in my chest and eyes Clouding up my frontal lobe and fogging up my restless mind Don't think I'll be left alive if i just stay in here and hide I am flotsam, I am jetsam, I am lagan, I am derelict I lost some, I get none, I'm far gone, a heretic With nothing to believe as fact Nothing to relieve the lack Of innocence that I wish to retrieve intact Sick of seething, sick of seeing light between the cracks Sick of feeling like I'm always bleeding on the tracks I've spent my whole life clawing on the coffin walls It's time to say goodbye to all the mothballs (chorus) Fumbling dumb thing , cut off my thumbprints Crumbling skull thinks we need to jump ship Fumbling dumb thing , cut off my thumbprints Crumbling skull thinks we need to jump ship
8.
GLASS 02:35
lyrics
Tap on my glass, I can feel it in my nerves Each rugged vibration makes my insides burn To you I’m just a pretty specimen to be ogled You latch yourself onto me full fucking throttle Vomiting words you wouldn’t want your mother to hear Fake dominating presence you want me to shudder in fear I don’t accept that kind of utterance here Mister No Face but a fluttery stare Gaze longingly at me in private with the blinds drawn To you I’m just meat, heavy breathing when your mind’s gone Your sweat glistening wet skin rippling I know you’re not the only one my disgust crippling At least I’m safe behind my glass no stray drippings But you cling onto my visage like newspaper clippings Detail vivid, it’s not what I wanna know You see yourself a Shakespeare, I see you as a barnacle Something ugly to be scraped off a surface You could see me in the street a day after the skirmish Have that look in your eye when you finally see me in person That look of bastard spit You spread to me like a cancer in metastasis Out in public, you still can’t be damaging But there’s always another, the volume is strangling Another blank face man banging on my glass again Every threat of touch more violent than the last one is You see me as perfection, polished by sender I reject how I was born, abolish my gender I chose who to be and I’m not here to give I reject you and you say “I know where you live” Suddenly my glass starts cracking Smile upon your face I can almost hear you laughing Your grin so sickening I can see you planning Causing me distress I start looking for karambits Stalking my location to find a place to designate But I promise you in person I will not fucking hesitate
9.
TREES 02:13
lyrics
Comb over the forest like a work horse hauling baggage Climb over downed trunks and irreversible damage Count the rings inside the corpses left behind by machines And mourn every single cycle of the seasons it completes From bitter summer skin to winter thick coat Into withered fuckin sin from intimate hold She gripped the cigarette between her molars And slipped through thickets under solar Feeling sober But juggling inebriation Just enough so I’m sure that the feeling’s fading Dreams of taking weapons to my skin to make me bleed and faint and Waking up in sweats crying cuz I'm needing saving But any outstretched hand is just a tree branch If i hold on too long i start to see the cracks The tree snaps, I’m falling to the ground, leaves slam Just leave me in the clearing, in the bugs, in the undergrowth I don’t wanna break you anymore in the dusk when the suns are low In rustic rusty glow You tower over me, limbs stretching to the sky Your branches so inviting but I’m too afraid to climb I belong to the dirt, to the mud and the rain I am food for the worms, they just love my disdain I live inside layers of metaphors and symbolism Scorpions invade my walls with metal claws and cynicism I march aimlessly in a spiral of ants Collapse in on myself I am spiralling fast I’m a cave No explorer tough enough to brave me Speak from my heart but my chest feels caved in Spacemen calling for me, please come home Back to the moon where the trees don’t grow From Ganymede to Earth where I feel so cold Forever close my eyes so the real won’t show
10.
AWAKE REPRISE 02:13
lyrics
Finding cracks in the armour that I fell asleep in Thinking not even dreaming can escape these feelings Getting lost inside my head like a labyrinth No Goblin King or Hoggle I'm left all alone staggering My skull interior's an Escher lithograph Stairways lead to nowhere festering and cracked Will I make it through the throes, skeleton intact? Juggling my mood between feminine and brash Tellin em I'm trapped but it's falling on deaf ears Try ignore the suicidal thoughts in case Death hears Tell myself I'm doing fine Tell myself I have the time to Pry away from groping hands Try escape the sloping sands My hourglass is slipping off the shelf i hope it lands I hope it breaks I hope it shatters That way I'll either live forever Or escape the shackles And I don't know which one I want to happen more And I don't know which one I want to happen more And I don't know which one I want to happen more...
11.
DUSK BUSES 04:50
lyrics
Last night I dreamt of Suicide His hands lurked around me and handed me the bluest knife Boxcutter slipped into my fingers whispered “between you and i Sit upon your windowsill and wait until the moon arise” Face stained with tears, forever streaming out the gloomy eyes Moon arise - glance down at my sinistra side Right hand moving with intent and sinister stride Blade breaks the flesh takes my veins for a ride And I can still hear the sound rough scraping as I take a life I awake my right hand desperately clutching Turn my lights on and realise it’s holding nothing No sadistic laughter through rotten teeth Or haemorrhaging bloodstains on my cotton sheets The only thing that followed out the dream were my sodden cheeks I can’t stop crying since taking those pills Supposed to be affirming but they’re breaking my will The images haunt me as the bloodstains soaking Irreparable damage and the floodgates open It’s like it really happened cuz the visions that vivid No scarring in my wrist I never finished that mission Sure there’s scarring elsewhere but only ever done to cope Not enough to have the same result as hanging on a rope Can’t stand to be alone even my dust suffers I take trips to cusp tussles days drip so must hustle Face did and cunts chuckle they win so fucked up it’s Dusk Buses And I escape And run away Into a grave And I fall asleep In transit motion And dream Of oceans Swallow me whole I drown There is no sun And no moon I try to swim upwards Try to see the stars I belong to the cosmos I’m on my way home My prison Is made of plastic And my bones My bones Are dust in the wind I'm full of snakes And my guts are all in knots I'm full of snakes And my guts are all in knots I'm full of snakes And my guts are all in knots I'm full of snakes And my guts begin to rot
12.
NOT TODAY 02:32
lyrics
Escaping into space where i descended from Despite the sound this is not a happy ending song Melancholy, drift among the planets like a symphony I made this one as self help, damn it to your sympathy Alone in a home with too many knives And the windows too high and they open too wide Nosedive — but changing my trajectory Sitting at a chess board stressed that Death has bested me Headphones On GP, turntable Vespertine You spent your life gesturing I spent mine jestering The loudest in the room lies the deepest in the tomb The loudest in the room has the darkest inner tune The one who shows the most teeth smiling is a gross freak The one who shows the most teeth dying is the most free The more you share your laughter, more you know what happens after life Sometimes I have to laugh to keep from staring at my jagged knife But not today… Still I'm the one that laughs Hatter-like Shining like a satellite Not man made nor moon something maybe half as bright Reaping what I sew on harvest night Today I’m only laughing cuz I made it over Suicidal dream, but the morning was a semicolon Maybe it’s a cliché like Hellfire and Demogorgons Fall asleep on transport, awakened by the engines roaring I don’t need an atmosphere to hold me down Anything that’s clinging on, long gone and frozen now It’s just me and my skeleton embellish it with roses now Grateful for the Dead the only thing to stop me slowing down Ox-o-mox-o-a dancing with my hat and cane Lost the locks and dropped my hanging tattered chains Nothing anchors me to Earth Buried plan to redisperse Planets, moons and galaxies into my pockets gracefully I can't escape to space but maybe I can bring the space to me But not today…

about

A collection of songs I made at my lowest point. Inspired by dreary travels on Leeds public transport, day in and day out.

credits

released April 28, 2023

written, produced and performed by Izzie Drizzle
recorded in The Mush Room
mixed and mastered by Seraphim Blush (seraphimblush.bandcamp.com/track/lets-see-you-say-every-word-at-once)

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Izzie Drizzle UK

Trans audio pirate rapper from Ganymede.

(she/her)

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